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Saturday, July 09, 2005

healing to vibrant energetic health

I am self diagnosed IBS, 1st GI appt to confirm not til August. I am a big believer in mental self-healing and had to find a GI who would be willing to treat me without drugs (I don’t even take OTCs!) Got Michael's CDs & started today

I have been a vegetarian for 15 years and have avoided dairy except for occasional cheese for about 4 yrs. Gave up soda/caffeine for 8 years. Now you can laugh cuz only gave up smoking July 26 last year! so much for being healthy. I can only imagine that my symptoms were milder than what some other people have shared because I naturally avoided the primary trigger foods.

But I still had problems, sometimes they were dramatically painful and inconvenient. I tried at times to put a pillow on my lap and sleep while sitting on the toilet because I felt so sick but could have been awake 24 hrs already.

I estimate I had D 2-3 times a week and must have been constipated the rest of the time, though I was so happy not to be having D I didn’t mind those days as much. I don't know what took me so long to recognize that this was not normal. I am a recovering compulsive gambler >2 years without a bet and my serious gambling lasted probably 2 years before that. During which time I hardly paid attention to anything, but I do remember having attacks at the casinos and sitting close to restrooms and thinking that how could I be embarrassed if the security people noticed I had been in the bathroom an hour since I had been sitting there gambling for 12 hrs?

I work as a topless entertainer, which is great in Las Vegas cuz its almost all tourists and everyone is there to have fun so its not as sad or demented as clubs where you see the same guys all the time. And you get contracted at a club and have no schedule whatsoever. The place I work is open 24/7/365 and I can walk in and work anytime or not show up for 3 months and that’s fine. So a huge problem for me was if I felt sick, I just didn’t go to work, which is not good when it comes time to pay the bills. The worst part was the learned response of not knowing if I felt OK or not. Sometimes I would have D and feel fine and really be fine for the next 36 hours, but sometimes I would have D and feel fine but then continue in the bathroom an hour later for the next six hours. That has been the hardest thing for my husband to understand because I feel tremendous guilt about not going to work and for us always to have to be worried about the bills, but really I would be absolutely mortified to have any problems at work cuz I do walk around in a thong after all and even though we have 100-300 girls working each night, there are only 5 stalls for us to use and there's always a line.

To make it worthwhile I was only working on the busy nites of Friday & Saturday, especially off season (convention season is September-March) cuz we have to pay a tipout of $65-100 per night so its best to work when you can make the most. Then there was even more pressure=stress=bad tummy on those nites

I really though that I was causing stress because I was sick of my job. In Feb 2005 my husband started a new job and he had been out of work for 1 year before that (he had ruptured his Achilles & his field is carpentry so was unable to work) So I was able to "quit" my job and I thought that the bowel problems would go away. How naive I feel, wasn't it obvious? Not really if I had D on a Tuesday and didn’t have to really go anywhere then it was painful but not really that inconvenient. I hardly went anywhere so I didn’t notice.

Our 5 year wedding anniversary was April 1st 2005 and I wanted to make a card to send to everyone with our picture. To my surprise I looked at the picture and went oh my gosh I am fat! at that time my top recorded weight had been 145 and medical records from 2002 and prior were all at 110, not to mention all my size 4 clothing that no longer fit. my weight had gone from 110 to 135 over 14 months, and included the time I first went into recovery for GA. I figure I was eating at restaurants more for socializing at after meetings and probable eating more to compensate for giving up gambling. My extra 10 lbs to 145 might have been from giving up smoking, and taking up coffee as a replacement. (I have since given up the coffee too)

The only other time I remember wanting to lose weight in my life was in my senior year in HS. I successfully lost weight by becoming bulimic . It was fabulous. I remember one of the popular girls noticing my weight loss and feeling like it was worth it even though I knew it was wrong. Prom nite cure me of it, because I paid way too much for food just to expel it! And from that point on, I ate small meals cuz I couldn't feel stuffed and in the meantime I had trouble with elimination cuz my muscles had been under worked for several months.

I became a vegetarian about 2 years later, probably because it gave me that control factor I liked so much and also cuz I worked at Hooters and their food was truly disgusting! I was a bartender so I was back with the cooks and they didn’t do anything but get high and work, even if that meant not showering and all their food was grease and lard. Although I did like the crab legs with butter of course. So from that point at around age 19 to 2002 when I was 30-31 I don’t remember any other big weight fluctuation and was mostly 110-115. I was a college student but lived at home and still vegetarian the whole time and actively working, dancing started when I was 21 so I got good exercise that way and was always active, snowboarding and even just walking from class to class & from the far parking lot to save money.

So back to the shock of me gaining 35 pounds. I joined a gym and started keeping a food diary. I actually wrote big D problem days too just to see if there was a pattern and I couldn’t think of any other explanation since some of my stress of working had been alleviated. And about this time a friend lost 70 lbs and told me the web site of the program that had helped him. it wasn’t a fad it mostly appeared to have to do with willpower and spoke very negatively like a drill sergeant calling the reader a fat loser. and it was $500 which I didn’t want to spend Magically and by focused manifestation, I found a book called Eat to Live by Dr Joel Fuhrman. And even better they had it at my library so I could try it totally free. It was based on super healthy nutrient dense eating meaning mostly fruits and vegetables, not totally raw or vegetarian if ya didn’t want. So I jumped in full force. The first guideline - tape a big sign on the fridge SALAD IS THE MAIN COURSE. Which I just love and I was so certain would cure me of any further dietary distress.

And at first, I though I was having some kind of "cleansing" reaction like I had always been lied to over years of nutrition products. Then I had problems but the pain wasn’t as bad and it felt like I was getting better. And I went down to 128-130 then Mikes grandpa got sick and we had to make an emergency trip to Denver 14 hours drive, with my precious Samantha Kitten* who has kidney challenges and hated the car AND I hadn’t been home to see my family in 4 years stress stress stress stress stress I did keep eating healthy even on the road and at home but had to tell my family I had problems with D so I wouldn’t be embarrassed if I disappeared into the bathroom. and they were good about it and I shopped with my Mom so I could continue eating my way. So mike visited his grandpa and we stayed 4 days and turned around and came home, taking a day each way. the day after we returned to Las Vegas, he unfortunately passed away. lather rinse repeat sigh.

I hadn’t even had time to do laundry from the first trip and four days later we did it again. Amazingly Samantha we found out doesn’t mind the car so much, it’s the carrier that drove her crazy the night after the big drive there was miserable D and my first hint that something wasn’t right with me following Fuhrmans plan. stayed 3 days and came home
was searching Fuhrmans forums for any hints on IBS/chronic D and found a few. Was waiting til June 1st to have insurance and planned all new doctor stuff to take care of everything I have been ignoring for 3 years that I had $4000 deductible & out of pocket doctor visits.

procrastinated and had a serious D episode one Friday the next nite woke up with UTI tried to heal with natural cranberry sugar concentrate called D-Mannose but knew 20% could be more and require dreaded antibiotics. but at least it got me to get into a docs office and face that. and for the first time I talked to the PA about the possibility if IBS I didn’t want to go there though it was just to take care of the emergency UTI I restarted my food/bathroom/emotion journal after the antibiotics were done.

I only found on Wednesday July 6th as I am writing this it is Saturday the 9th

I was lucky that both Eating for IBS and Your First Year were at my library so I got them immediately and read them both that day. My reaction is that many of the recipes are not in alignment with Fuhrman, and I would have to find a way to get my body healthy to the point of eating insoluble fiber vegetables & fruits. I was so gung ho to lose weight, which if you read carefully I jumped into ETL wrong. I ate HUGE salads and I was never a big meal eater and I didn’t pay attention enough to his hints about the types of food good for sensitive tummys like potatoes, course was eating them with skin then not at all then gave up wheat, gluten and soy also just as a precaution!

My plan of action is this:
Start Hypnosis CDs
eat modified compromise of Heather & Fuhrmans plans that honors my values
see fabulous caring understanding doctors & resolve to wonderful health and energy

all for now


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